Jokes and Quotes That Are Funny But Quite Depressing

I wanted to laugh (alone) for a while that's why I decided to search for funny jokes today and here's what I found: jokes and quotes that are actually funny but are quite depressing. 
1. Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
2. Man 1: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire.     Man 2: You're lucky. My wife dreams that in the daytime.
3. A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers”. She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you've got bowel cancer.”

4. The golden rule at work: Bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.

5. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.  Demetri Martin
6. It would be funny if while performing an abortion someone yelled, "abort! abort!"
7. “Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.” Jimmy Carr
8.  Text Conversation Mom: Your great aunt just passed away. LOL! Son: Why is that funny? Mom: It's not funny son. Son: Mom LOL means "Laughing Out Loud" Mom: OMG! I sent that to our friends and relatives. I though it means "Lots of Love" I have to call everyone back.
9. Q: Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?    A: Because they taste funny!

10. Funny how one wants to skip class in order to study.

11. Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?
12. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.
13. Man: I want to die in my sleep just like my grandfather.. not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
14. A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”
15. When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. But when a woman talks dirty to man, it's $3.95 a minute.
16. Mechanic: Sir, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
17. The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.
18. Curve - the loveliest distance between two points.
19. Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.
20. Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit!"
21. Your friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
22. A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
23. A guy drank some boiling water because he wanted to whistle.